Tracing the Moment to Moment Experience, Amor Fati, Humaning
Have had a fever and stomach stuff since landing in California on Saturday, trying to rest and get the basics of work stuff done, the cold damp isn't suiting me, I feel gaunt and tired. At 4 am, instead of fighting it, I drop in to Amor Fati. Love what is. Don't try to change it. Just be with it.
So for a few minutes, I just allow the feeling of sick and irritable. I don't add the grievance or extra suffering of wishing it were different. And then it changes (shocker!)- the irritation gives way.
In the quiet dark I feel Colin breathing steady and sweet, in deep REM, the bass of his embodiment a grounding note. Now what comes is gratitude for his loving company, this warm bed. A real smile.
Cool. Keep staying with what is.
More time passes, I notice a hardness in my jaw, ask it what purpose it's serving, and recognize the clench as protector energy. It comes with a sense of "not on my watch, you won't", and I see how it is specifically related to some mob-rule blackballing behavior aimed at a colleague who hasn't received a clear hearing. This vigilance in me is familiar: It's the same energy that makes me give things/money/space away when I really don't have it to give, to want to be a savior, to do something, anything, in the face of cruelty, need or injustice. But there's too much of this, it's out of balance, and the body knows it before the mind knows it. I sink into the jaw tightness, and the guidance comes: "Know what is yours to do."
Okay, duly noted, middle of the night spirit- in that vein, what else do you have for me?
Well, you own a house but you have no home. The Maus Haus is sure cute, but it's been set up for transient guests, not for you to live in. Move your office upstairs into the light, get a giant desk to spread your notes and projects out on, put your library in reach, get your work on the wall where you can see it. In-Dwell your home. Take your art-making things out of the bins, and set them up where they are a daily part of your life. Get the cushions for the summer concerts out of the practice space and restore your tiny temple. And for fuck's sake, if you're moving in together, then figure that out. Here? There? Somewhere new that we choose? He needs an office and room of his own. And if he's staying, this bed isn't big enough. Capiche?
Okay, geez. Got it.
Now some hope is creeping in, some joy. I can make choices here. I notice a tiny tug to return to my big writing project, put on hold at 70% complete, an immense body of research and work. The only way to do that is to make space physically and in the calendar for this to happen, to discern where to invest energy, and to be more coherent and clear. How that fits with the dissertation, hosting, holding gatherings... if at all....or if that stuff needs to change too. I'll ask that tomorrow night, maybe.
I get up to journal my morning pages: they are short notes... Chief Scott came by yesterday, and he, like me, went straight to tree number 010, and put his face on it and breathed with her, the oldest redwood on the land. Kyle is visiting, and last night he had us in stitches doing verbatim Spaceballs and the Princess Bride, and weirdly crying singing Gordon Lightfoot. My children's bio father is losing his shit again and there is no clear answer on how to help him (maybe nothing, see above). Rosebud is profitable for the fourth month in a row, and growing well, and now, under Samantha's direction, we're raising capital. I've promised some support for three friends' projects. I get to see my heartdaughter tonight, yea!
I still have a fever, and my intestines are still doing little flips, but the irritation is long gone.
I'm in choice in how I invest my time, how I treat people, who and how I love, and right now I'm going to make Colin, who is stirring awake, some fermented/anaerobic Balinese coffee carried home last week. Plus, he's very funny in the morning, hyper verbal and a little loopy, a joy.
Thank you for the gifts of silence, presence, attunement, of family and friends, of possibility.
Allied in Humaning, Sending Love, Amor Fati,
CMM